on blaming myself

im so into me. what is the deal. it is like i cant do anything about myself . why cant i accept that people care and love me. why cant i do that? why cant i be happy??????? i know im happy but why am i like this like theres a little devil on my shoulder that tells me that i dont deserve to be happy???

i feel so empty? is this the product of four years at the market? days wrought with stress and a father telling you youre stupid and everything you do doesnt mean a thing to them? i really hate feeling like i am sorry for myself but it really bugs me when i start to feel crappy when people talk about their families and their holidays. why cant i be happy?? i wish i had a real christmas, just a nice one, with my mom and dad and me opening presents eating, just laughing. you know??? not one where were all stressed caused we have stupid orders to take care of or stuff i need to do, or just being here by myself? is this why i feel empty? like i have no home?

and i cant fully feel like i have a home cause of this??

im so depressed, i wish i could be on something…

My Cousins

My cousins are awesome, they really keeped me from being a lonely little miscreant during my childhood. I remember growing up with them since I was an only child. There are only a couple that I can think of that I hardly keep in touch now… which is sad   — Jenn, Michelle, and Ate Ging(cause of an age difference).

Because of the possibilities of social networking, I am glad to say I get to keep up with my other cousins- Kuya J, Junelyn, Claudette, and Ronald. Theyre awesome!