An analysis on the current state of my life.

Hi blog. I finally changed your appearance. I hope you are liking it, because I do. Its simple and clean. =) Totally unlike my life… which is, complicated and messy.  It would’ve been simple, but worthwhile things in life are never simple. Theres always that one small ripple that seems to invade the whole other aspects of your life. Right now, for me…its my state of unemployment.

UNEMPLOYMENT.

Yeap. It’s so easy to think that a Registered Nurse like myself would get a job soooo easily, especially in the capital medical center of Texas…but no. A list of deterrents include : a) new graduate (which leads to) b) lack of experience c) not enough networking d) i dont think im trying hard enough.

It is sad to log on facebook and note that the number of my colleagues have something going on —- jobs, vacations, a prospective interview, grad school,  etc, etc. And then to self reflect that I have none of these things. HOWEVER, I have an interview on Tuesday at a home care place that can yield a  job with a whopping $8/hour. Furthermore, on that day I will be able to find out if I am in the top 10 candidates for the MHNE Internship program. I will then have an interview for the program, which only has 5 intern spots. *the pressure please*

I have not heard from MDA. This makes me very sad.

Because of the bold word above, I do not have money. I feel like im cursed to be perpetually poor. This money crisis wouldnt be so bad for I am blessed with a wonderful family (The Ates) who provide food and shelter. However, the crisis continues as I have a car and car insurance to pay. The world became so much worse and so much better when I purchased that Focus…is that even possible? I guess it leveled itself out.

Moreover, unemployment has forced me to become quite stressed. Because I have no money, I am forced to not go on dates with my Joshua (he is helping me enough already). I cant even buy him gifts (which is already limited because he has little to no desire for material gifts)  or have more opportunity to  do something nice for him (which is quite hard because rarely does he ask for anything or need anything). He has voiced this complaint twice already. The little things are rare to come by…it really is hard to gauge what Joshua wants. Come to think of it, the list of things he doesnt want is more than the list of things he wants. I really just do my best to make him happy.

The stressor that is much worse at the moment are my set of parents. They have been calling me this entire week. The last conversation we ever had was my mothers voice yelling to me that Joshua was disrespectful (I told them he proposed to me) and they hung up. I love my parents dearly, but man I get really worked up because they seem to be mad at me 100% of the time. Also, because of my unemployment, they have been nagging me to go back to Guam.

I can tell you now that going back to Guam is a good decision. Because I yield money and get to see my parents. However, the cons include — NO Joshua and where the FUCK will I put my car?
Another good decision that will yield money and fulfill a dream is joining the Air Force.
However, the cons include — NO Joshua, where the FUCK will I put my car, NO Joshua.
Another good decision is apply to the available internships in Dallas and San Antonio.
However, the cons include — NO Joshua.

Why does the good decisions do not include NO Joshua? It seems to me that YES Joshua is a good decision in itself.

Anyway, I have more job searching to do. I am only running very short on time. As my student loans creep up, I really need to get on the road. Kara’s wedding is coming up. Things I need to do for the before September 5:

• get all her engagement photos to edit and print to put in a nice photo album
• take her family photos (driving up to Dallas on another weekend, DARN IT)

Another list of things to think about definitely is letting my school loan people know that im out of school.

Fortunately, I have just a tad bit of income from the books that Josh let me sell. I need money very badly.

My head is in swirls right now. I am already of thinking of calling my parents because it stresses me to think that ive been avoiding their calls this entire week. I dont know what to do. I am so very stressed. Josh is leaving to college this week and we wont be able to hang out very much. We havent had a lot of “us” time lately (beside sleeping together and playing WoW). I miss the romance of going on a date where we have nothing to think about…but alas I have no money and we both have so much on our minds. =( I do hope and pray he will have fun in school. It sounds exciting to be somewhere else and to have to do something.

I dont have a “big thing” to do. I just have all this unstructured shit I have to make to do. Looking for jobs…attend a wedding…blah…the uncertainty of my life really really stresses me out and I really just want to cry.

I keep PRAYING to God…Please OH please show me, guide me, TAKE me to where I need to be here in Texas. Do I ask to much? Is He telling me to go back to Guam, is that why I dont have a job yet? I feel crappy and very low. I almost feel like roadkill.

I am currently stressed out. I feel like I will be forever cursed to be stressed out. Cant I just have a steady good life? little stresses here and there… but not like this? Please? its like BIG stresses back to back. I dont know what im doing wrong in life.