Life has been a struggle, but i am very happy.

So, with that… I will have to say, I am leaving this blog. My thoughts, ideas, blogs are now being written elsewhere. I may come back but we shall see. =)

I love you WordPress!

PS. My husband and I are doing great =)

However, I will try again. With any luck, I will interview somewhere where they need an RN.

I am so sad. I only also make it worse for Josh. =(

I need to end this!!! I need to start. This is killing me.

UNEMPLOYMENT.

Yeap. It’s so easy to think that a Registered Nurse like myself would get a job soooo easily, especially in the capital medical center of Texas…but no. A list of deterrents include : a) new graduate (which leads to) b) lack of experience c) not enough networking d) i dont think im trying hard enough.

It is sad to log on facebook and note that the number of my colleagues have something going on —- jobs, vacations, a prospective interview, grad school,  etc, etc. And then to self reflect that I have none of these things. HOWEVER, I have an interview on Tuesday at a home care place that can yield a  job with a whopping $8/hour. Furthermore, on that day I will be able to find out if I am in the top 10 candidates for the MHNE Internship program. I will then have an interview for the program, which only has 5 intern spots. *the pressure please*

I have not heard from MDA. This makes me very sad.

Because of the bold word above, I do not have money. I feel like im cursed to be perpetually poor. This money crisis wouldnt be so bad for I am blessed with a wonderful family (The Ates) who provide food and shelter. However, the crisis continues as I have a car and car insurance to pay. The world became so much worse and so much better when I purchased that Focus…is that even possible? I guess it leveled itself out.

Moreover, unemployment has forced me to become quite stressed. Because I have no money, I am forced to not go on dates with my Joshua (he is helping me enough already). I cant even buy him gifts (which is already limited because he has little to no desire for material gifts)  or have more opportunity to  do something nice for him (which is quite hard because rarely does he ask for anything or need anything). He has voiced this complaint twice already. The little things are rare to come by…it really is hard to gauge what Joshua wants. Come to think of it, the list of things he doesnt want is more than the list of things he wants. I really just do my best to make him happy.

The stressor that is much worse at the moment are my set of parents. They have been calling me this entire week. The last conversation we ever had was my mothers voice yelling to me that Joshua was disrespectful (I told them he proposed to me) and they hung up. I love my parents dearly, but man I get really worked up because they seem to be mad at me 100% of the time. Also, because of my unemployment, they have been nagging me to go back to Guam.

I can tell you now that going back to Guam is a good decision. Because I yield money and get to see my parents. However, the cons include — NO Joshua and where the FUCK will I put my car?
Another good decision that will yield money and fulfill a dream is joining the Air Force.
However, the cons include — NO Joshua, where the FUCK will I put my car, NO Joshua.
Another good decision is apply to the available internships in Dallas and San Antonio.
However, the cons include — NO Joshua.

Why does the good decisions do not include NO Joshua? It seems to me that YES Joshua is a good decision in itself.

Anyway, I have more job searching to do. I am only running very short on time. As my student loans creep up, I really need to get on the road. Kara’s wedding is coming up. Things I need to do for the before September 5:

• get all her engagement photos to edit and print to put in a nice photo album
• take her family photos (driving up to Dallas on another weekend, DARN IT)

Another list of things to think about definitely is letting my school loan people know that im out of school.

Fortunately, I have just a tad bit of income from the books that Josh let me sell. I need money very badly.

My head is in swirls right now. I am already of thinking of calling my parents because it stresses me to think that ive been avoiding their calls this entire week. I dont know what to do. I am so very stressed. Josh is leaving to college this week and we wont be able to hang out very much. We havent had a lot of “us” time lately (beside sleeping together and playing WoW). I miss the romance of going on a date where we have nothing to think about…but alas I have no money and we both have so much on our minds. =( I do hope and pray he will have fun in school. It sounds exciting to be somewhere else and to have to do something.

I dont have a “big thing” to do. I just have all this unstructured shit I have to make to do. Looking for jobs…attend a wedding…blah…the uncertainty of my life really really stresses me out and I really just want to cry.

I keep PRAYING to God…Please OH please show me, guide me, TAKE me to where I need to be here in Texas. Do I ask to much? Is He telling me to go back to Guam, is that why I dont have a job yet? I feel crappy and very low. I almost feel like roadkill.

I am currently stressed out. I feel like I will be forever cursed to be stressed out. Cant I just have a steady good life? little stresses here and there… but not like this? Please? its like BIG stresses back to back. I dont know what im doing wrong in life.

sometimes i wish my parents were more american……theyre so asian LOL and not very understanding. i think i will just let her know that i am still looking and will not stop because i cant afford to stay in guam as i have contract obligations to pay my car and my phone. it just takes time to find a job. i can visit guam…thats what i can tell her. i dont know what to do. let her know that im still looking and will consider her option but right now im trying to get anything in order. i mean  i could tell them that since joshua is moving to college his parents are letting me “rent” his room. ha

Right now, I am listening to Josh’s conversation to his best friend in Hawaii. They are playing some kind of nerd game on the internet. (dont get me wrong…i love…nerds.) Its free and the graphics look pretty amazing. I, on the other hand (being the stubborn little person I am) am brooding in the corner on a giant brown sack. A love sack that is… Its a chair, btw.

Well. Ive been thinking randomly these days and there isnt much structure in my mind. Its kind of a hassle. It is also kind of a hassle to feel and talk un-intelligent. Sometimes, when I join a conversation, I really try to sound like the competent person I am— but I fail. I end up sounding like a blubbering foreigner who is trying to fit in.

I bought a 25 dollar blazer at a value of 158 from The Limited. Its my first professional blazer. Tee hee. The catch? A small rip at the seam. Fixable, and worth it!

OK. I need to think clearly. There are two things that are bothering me… Oh, no let me say THREE things. no…now four.
theres the looming cloud of “Studying” around me. then the “Car Quote Shopping”. and Joshua’s game conversation…and now… really “do your resume”

ok AHHH josh is next to me. let me tend to his manly needs for a second.

The life has been ok. Like my previous entry said, i graduated and im still unemployed. However, I work for Joshua’s mom’s program called “Mission Possible”, where i nurse and teach reading and anatomy to disadvantaged kids in the Atasocita Area.

Other than that, I am taking my board exam on July 9. I havent really studied just yet… I am thinking of hittin up the library soon.

Havent talked to you in a while. Just so you know….     Pinning Happened…yes, with 700 people. Cant you believe that?
I graduated this Saturday. Wow. I know.

I am now a graduate nurse. Yay. But im unemployed.

lol.

I am going to find a job somehow and post updated pictures. =)

PS I love Joshua

This week will be very hectic as I have a big exam (again) and a critique to do. I am going to strive hard to get them done… as I have School nursing, Oncology nursing, and Ortho OR nursing to do this week =D and loads of other extracurricular stuff ive added to my plate. Anyway, I will get them all done nonetheless.

I am very happy. Now all I need is a little bit o’ organization.